>You may have had one in your life. I have in mine. And it is horrible. It is abusive. I suffered for four years on account of one, and then she made the next four years (after she took off) even worse.
Sadly, such women are unduly supported by the American legal system and so-called Evangelical churches (specifically Presbyterian Churches in America). Check out this article, apparently written by a female psychologist. She has been on the radio and writes a lot on the topic, including helping men who are divorcing their abusive wives and even provides an “Antidote to Feminist Psychotherapists.”
I sure wish I had read this woman several years ago. How familiar and true does this text sound to an honest American man who has been beleaguered by a crazy woman? “Rest assured, if your wife has shown you little to no empathy, has treated you unfairly and made outrageous demands during your marriage; she will be the same, if not worse, during your divorce. Even if she is the one who initiates the divorce, this kind of woman typically has a seek and destroy attitude. You know too much about her and for that, you must be punished and discredited. If this kind of woman “wins” in the divorce, she takes it as proof that she’s in the “right”—the “injured party”—and you’re the bad guy. Your assets and shared children become her war trophies.”
It seems to me, however, that the (economically dangerous) crazy woman is largely an American phenomenon. One hears about crazy women everywhere I suppose, but my impression is that there are far less of them in Chile than in the USA. Remember too that the USA is a feminist society whereas Chilean society is (mercifully) still far more machista, which probably helps matters. The craziness of mentally ill women is more easily contained when it is not promulgated and then protected by feminist public policy.
The Emotionally Abusive Woman: You Cannot Reason with a Crazy Person
The short answer is: Because she’s crazy. You’ll make yourself crazy if you try to find meaning in her meaningless and casually cruel behaviors. Most of us try to understand the world in which we live to varying degrees. It’s human nature to search for meaning, particularly when there’s no ready explanation for certain phenomena.
We go to therapy, we pray, we meditate, and we conduct scientific research to understand why. I believe a life without meaning isn’t worth living but, sometimes, in certain situations and with certain people, there is no greater meaning to be found other than they just. . . suck.
When your wife or girlfriend treats you badly, you want to understand why. You ask yourself:
- Is she having a bad day?
- Did you do something wrong?
- What can you do differently?
- Maybe she doesn’t realize the way she’s treating you is hurtful and if you tell her she’ll stop?
These are good questions to ask if you’re involved with an emotionally healthy and grounded woman. However, if you’re involved with an emotionally abusive bully/professional victim, a Narcissist or a Borderline, asking the above questions will get you nowhere. In fact, if you try to discuss these matters with her, she’ll probably blame you and become more abusive, which will make you feel more confused and a little nuts.
The bottom line is YOU CANNOT REASON WITH A CRAZY PERSON. Emotionally abusive women want to control you and they do it by making you feel bad. That’s all the “meaning” there is to be found.
Psychology has created diagnostic labels to identify and make sense of the full spectrum of crazy behaviors of emotionally abusive people. Some explanations for their behavior include biological bases, early childhood trauma/abuse, or that their behavior is learned.
At best, these explanations are inadequate. At their worst, these explanations give bullies and emotional predators a free pass to treat others like crap, usually without any consequences.She had a tough childhood, so you have to be patient with her. She was abused by a family member, so you have to forgive, tolerate and learn how NOT to trigger her crazy and hurtful side. Give me a break.
I have a tremendous amount of sympathy for children who are actively being abused. However, I’ve zero sympathy for adults with abuse histories who grow up to abuse other adults and their children and won’t take responsibility for their behaviors because “they have problems.” That “why” just doesn’t fly.
There are lots of men who had troubled childhoods and don’t believe the rules of society apply to them. Many of them end up in jail. Women with similarly bad childhoods and equally bad adult behaviors are generally protected, enabled, and occasionally rewarded by Psychology and the legal system. It’s a double standard.
For example, your wife goes off on a tear and screams obscenities at you and your children. Instead of saying, “that’s not ok,” you and your kids feel bad about upsetting her and try to figure out how to make her happy—often with the help of a therapist. * This is a separate topic, but if there are child(ren) involved, what are you teaching them about adult relationships? That it’s ok to abuse others to get your rocks off, because you’re upset or to get what you want?
Instead of protecting yourself from the crazy person/emotional predator/bully; you protect her and serve yourself up on a platter. You can try to understand this. You can try to make meaning out of it, but what does it solve? She’s still crazy and hurtful. Do the reasons “why” really matter?
Instead, ask yourself WHY you’re compelled to understand this woman and her crazy behavior? Why are you compelled to stay in this relationship? What does it mean about you if you can’t get this woman to be kind to you? Understand your own reasons for being in this relationship and then decide if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life.
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2010-04-30
