FREE: JOIN 100,000+ READERS   
≡ Menu

A bit of humor amid the financial insanity

March 13, 2012
London, England

[Editor's note: Tim Price, a frequent Sovereign Man contributor and Director of Investment at PFP Wealth Management in London, is filling in for Simon today.]

“Investors back historic Greek debt swap” -    FT headline 9.3.2012.

BANK, n. Bottomless cavity in the ground that sucks in money and the unwary.
I had quite a bit of money but then I put it in the bank.

BOND, n. A profitless contrivance used for catching the gullible or feeble-minded.
That pension fund is 100% in bonds now.

BROKER, adj. A comparative descriptive state for a client of a Wall Street bank.
He didn’t exactly have a lot of money before he started dealing with Goldman Sachs. Now he’s even

BUBBLE, n. Fundamental prerequisite for a functioning Anglo-Saxon economy.
We need a new bubble to replace the ones we had in dotcom and property.

CENTRAL BANK, n. Lobbyist for commercial banks well versed in alchemy.

CURRENCY, n. Largely intangible substance with an inherent property that tends to instantaneous evaporation, the destruction of life and the permanent impairment of wealth.
I had money once but then I exchanged it for currency in a moment of madness.

DEFAULT, n. Semi-mythical celestial occurrence that passes by Earth every 76 years.
I was worried for a second about that Greek default, but I realise there’s nothing to see now and all is well.

FEDERAL RESERVE, n. A wholly owned subsidiary of Goldman Sachs.
The Federal Reserve voted to give a few more billion dollars to Wall Street.

GREECE, n. An undesirable or unfortunate happening that occurs unintentionally but results in harm, injury, damage and colossal loss of wealth. And profits for Goldman Sachs.
Did you see Greece ? Sheesh.

HORLICK, n. Progressive and insufficiently appreciated investment visionary.

HOUSE, n. In most countries, simply a place to live. In Britain, a theoretically infinite source of perpetual tax revenue for deluded Lib Dems. (This is tautological. – Ed.)

INVESTOR, n. Plucky protagonist admired for brave deeds and quixotic struggling who is about to get shafted by Wall Street interests.
I was an investor in euro zone sovereign bonds but then everything went Greek.

JAPAN, n. Where hopes of profit go to die.

KEYNES, n. Slang: Vulgar. Disparaging and offensive.
That joker Posen is a complete Keynes.

POLITICIAN, n. Someone better informed than you about how to spend your money.

RATINGS AGENCY, n. A professional entertainer who amuses by relating absurd and fantastical tales.
That ratings agency’s credit assessment was so funny, I had to change my trousers.

RESTRUCTURING, n. Statutory rape.
Those bondholders are undergoing a voluntary restructuring – you might even call it a ‘credit event’.

ROGUE TRADER, n. Unprofitable proprietary trader. (Hat-tip to Killian Connolly.)

SOCIETY, n. The process whereby wealth is diverted from taxpayers to banks.

TAXPAYER, n. Simple-minded dolt too foolish to be working for the government.

US GOVERNMENT, n. Another wholly owned subsidiary of Goldman Sachs.
We seem to be running out of Goldman Sachs alumni here in the Treasury. No, wait, we’ve still got hundreds of ‘em.

VINCE CABLE, n. (No longer in technical use; considered offensive) a person of the lowest order in a former and discarded classification of mental retardation.
Don’t be a Vince Cable – get down off that wardrobe and come and eat your tea!

Further contributions gratefully received.

Want more stuff like this?

Our goal is simple: To help you achieve personal liberty and financial prosperity no matter what happens. Click below to join our community of 100,000+ sovereign individuals.


Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Taxvictim

    A Broker is someone who invests your money until it’s gone.

  • Elias

    Brilliant work Simon, I needed a good laugh, thx…

  • Jonk

    Derivative: (n) A virtual investment vehicle intended to be mathematically linked with a real-world object,
    I was going to buy gold, but it was too heavy so I bought the GLD ETF derivative instead.

  • Vane Hugo

    here is another definition for you.

    Stocks, noun.  Contrivance for the physical restraint of investment bankers, to prevent them from commision of further crimes.

  • Pilgrimaz

    The stock market is a crap shoot like Las Vegas. Heads they win tails you lose.

  • Aftab Nawaz

    EURO: n.Brit & Amer slang, offensive
    a racist slur aimed at any person from Germany or France 

  • Hap2ski

    Politics. n. Hollywood for ugly people. Think Hillary Clinton, Janet Napolitano and Barney Frank.

  • Brentgm57

    ROGUE TRADER, n. Proprietary trader who gets caught doing his/her job..

  • steve ward

    very funny

  • Jim De

    Gotta share this on Facebook, really funny stuff; unfortunately, too true. 

  • Detlef55

    How about RECOVERY Simons quote, With typical government logic – borrow your way out of debt, spend your way out of recession, fudge the statistics to fix unemployment, disarm innocent people in order to fight crime.

  • Jbradsdropbox

    Hope & Change: n, 2 parts.: Hope is an improper investment strategy employed by most traders.  Change is what is left in ones’ account after using such approach.

  • Merlinesques

    Old and not so old news….Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal. (And Sperm bank didn’t see it coming).

  • Kevin Beck

    One of my favorites is TARP: Totally Asinine Restructuring Program.

    Thief: See “Politician.”

    Den of Thieves: The Federal Reserve Board.

    Criminal Class: Congress.

    SEC: Swindler’s Enrichment Council.

    Frankendoodie: What you get when the criminal classmates responsible for financial disaster decide to “correct the problems” that their handiwork caused by the creation of future disasters that will be blamed on everyone that was not responsible for the problem.

  • niki


Read more:
The next big bust coming from cheap credit