In a world full of unimaginable absurdity, we spend a lot of time thinking about the future… and to where all of this insanity leads.
“Future Headline Friday” is our satirical take of where the world is going if it remains on its current path. While our satire may be humorous and exaggerated, rest assured that everything we write is based on actual events, news stories, personalities, and pending legislation.
October 19, 2026: Feds Desperate to Track Down Hamas-Linked Migrants— to offer them free housing
The Department of Homeland Security has learned that five Palestinian men with ties to the terrorist group Hamas flew to Mexico in mid-August where they hired a smuggler to take them across the southern US border.
Last week, the smuggler was apprehended and questioned by federal agents; they were about to let the human trafficker off with a warning, until he admitted that he had failed to inform the undocumented Palestinian migrants of their right to free shelter, food, and healthcare paid by the US government.
For this, the smuggler was charged with five counts of hate crimes— one for each migrant.
The smuggler further told authorities that the Palestinians did not speak English.
This has led federal agencies to initiate a massive nationwide manhunt to find the Hamas-connected migrants— fearful that, without a grasp of either the English or Spanish language, they may otherwise remain unaware of their taxpayer-funded entitlements.
Clutching a chain-link fence in a New York City parking lot, Congresswoman and chair of the Subcommittee on Immigration and Citizenship Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said, “Like, I haven’t been able to sleep at night thinking about those five Palestinians out there, you know, who don’t understand how much we are willing to provide for them. It’s just not right that they have to fend for themselves in this country.”
Asked if she had any concerns about the Palestinian men’s Hamas links, AOC responded, “Of course, like, just think of how much damage could be done if they don’t realize that mental health is also covered in the government’s free healthcare program for undocumented migrants. I’m sure the trauma they’ve experienced at the hands of Israeli needs to be worked through with the help of professionals.”
A spokesperson for the Department of Homeland Security agreed that getting these immigrants the help and stability they deserve is a national security issue.
“We’re looking into the possibility of targeted lockdowns until we can find these gentlemen and deliver them aid. Of course, we understand that as migrants, and as members of Hamas, they may be rightfully distrustful of the US government. But once we contact them and alert them to their rights, they would of course be free to make their own choices.”
Politicians in several cities across the country, ranging from Chicago to Boulder, Colorado, have started running Arabic-language public service announcements on billboards and social media in the hopes of reaching the five migrants.
Officials in San Francisco have offered a reward of $500,000 per migrant to anyone with information that might lead to the Palestinian men receiving their benefits.
San Francisco’s mayor, London Breed, announced this morning, “We’ve already evicted several elderly military veterans from the city’s free public housing complexes to make room for our Palestinian comrades. We have the space. We have the desire. Now we just need to find them and bring them to our great city.”
October 20, 2029: Gold price passes $10,000 on US national debt fears
Gold prices in the London Metal Exchange breached the once-unthinkable threshold of $10,000 per troy ounce in early trading this morning, on renewed fears of an imminent US government debt default.
Chief Economist of the World Gold Alliance, Todd Ya Soh, remarked on the news, “Well what did everyone expect? The US government has funded 7 years of war in Ukraine, 6 years of war in Israel, and 2 years of war in Taiwan. Now they just announced a $10 trillion bailout for Social Security? No thanks. US government bonds are the new toxic asset.”
US bond prices started their steep plummet in 2023, as the Treasury Department announced that it would borrow far more money than they initially projected.
Then-Secretary Janet Yellen insisted that America could absolutely afford to fund two wars simultaneously— Ukraine and Israel. However, the bond market seemed to disagree, and investors began demanding higher and higher yields to buy Treasury bonds.
Bond yields surged to 5% in late 2023, pushing up the rates of everything from car loans to home mortgages. But that was only the beginning.
As rates continued to rise, banks across the country began to suffer heavier and heavier losses on their bond portfolios. Most notably, rising yields caused Bank of America’s bond losses to rise from $107 billion in late 2023, to more than $200 billion in early-2025, rendering the bank effectively insolvent.
The Federal Reserve tried to reign in the bond market by slashing interest rates back down to 1% in an emergency meeting in March 2025. But by that point, the market had already lost too much confidence.
With the second Biden administration in full swing after the President suspended the 2024 election due to terrorism fears, federal spending continued to grow at an unprecedented pace; the national debt had surpassed $40 trillion by that point, and the Treasury Department’s annual interest bill exceeded $2 trillion.
Regardless of how low the Fed slashed interest rates, investors still demanded higher yields from the federal government; the 10-year rate surged to more than 10% for the first time since the 1980s, causing widespread consequences across the US economy.
Housing prices collapsed by more than 50% as mortgages became unaffordable. And with home prices in the dumps, most Americans found they were underwater on their existing mortgages, i.e. they owed more money than their houses were worth.
Multiple banks collapsed as a result of the mortgage and housing crisis, and even the FDIC required a government bailout. In order to do so, of course, the government had to borrow money from the bond market at 10%.
By 2027, the Federal Reserve was creating more than $5 trillion per year to keep the federal government afloat. Asset prices once again surged, with inflation peaking at 12% that summer.
When China invaded Taiwan in November of that year, the combination of war, inflation, and general US economic turmoil caused gold prices to surge to more than $7,000; prices kept rising from there.
With this morning’s announcement from President AOC that Social Security will require a fresh $10 trillion bailout, investors now have deep fears of a US government default… or that the Federal Reserve will create so much money that the world will lose confidence in the currency.
Given that the US dollar already lost its primary reserve status to the gold-backed BRICS currency last year, there is little incentive for foreign investors to hold dollars any longer.
When asked about gold’s record high price this morning, President AOC appeared flummoxed and said, “Why would anyone want to own a piece of metal?”
White House officials later released a statement that they would soon take emergency measures to fund the government, including a freezing of all bank balances above $100,000, and all retirement accounts in the United States.