In a world full of unimaginable absurdity, we spend a lot of time thinking about the future… and to where all of this insanity leads.
“Future Headline Friday” is our satirical take of where the world is going if it remains on its current path. While our satire may be humorous and exaggerated, rest assured that everything we write is based on actual events, news stories, personalities, and pending legislation.
July 7, 2029: French Caliphate Celebrates Five Year Anniversary
Over one million revelers have taken to the streets of Paris to celebrate the five year anniversary of the French Caliphate with celebratory gunfire and shouts of “Allahu Akbar”.
Following the death of a Muslim teen in 2023, and the ensuing thirteen straight months of uncontrolled rioting and looting, a council of Islamic leaders in France formally rejected the democratically-elected government and declared a new French Caliphate on July 7, 2024.
Most members of France’s parliament immediately resigned and threw their support behind the Caliphate so that they wouldn’t be accused of Islamophobia. And within weeks, both the European Parliament and United Nations officially recognized the Caliphate’s authority.
In the five years since, the Caliphate has won significant praise from the international community for its achievements.
For example, after quickly establishing a new Morality Police (consisting primarily of former Taliban mujahideen), crime rates across France plunged— excluding, of course, the crimes that the new government no longer tracks, such as the rape and murder of westerner women.
Even France’s soaring budget deficit is now under control after the Caliphate slashed public benefits for all non-Muslims and banned girls from attending school (which reduced the education budget by 50%).
Several leaders from across Europe and around the world were on hand to commemorate the Caliphate’s accomplishments on its five-year anniversary today.
Among the dignitaries in attendance is US Vice President Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who spoke at a press event today at the steps of the former Notre Dame cathedral, which has just recently been renovated into a mosque.
Ms. Ocasio-Cortez appeared to say something along the lines of, “The stunning success of the Caliphate shows how tolerance and diversity works.” However, as she was speaking through a full burqa, her voice was quite muffled and her exact words were difficult to make out.
Official festivities planned for the day include celebratory gunfire, the traditional torching of a firetruck, and, of course, the customary beheading of an infidel.
Organizers from various right-wing groups scheduled demonstrations across Europe today to protest against the beheading. However, most governments in the EU banned protests against the Caliphate, and key organizers have already been arrested under hate speech laws.
Denmark’s Minister of Justice has taken an even harder line and tweeted this morning that “protest organizers will be charged on crimes of terrorism,” and that “there is no room in the world for intolerance of other cultures.”