In a world brimming with bewildering headlines, we spend a lot of time thinking about the future… and to where all of this insanity leads .
“Future Headline Friday” is our satirical take of where the world is going if it remains on its current path. While our satire may be humorous and exaggerated, rest assured that everything is based on actual events, news stories, personalities, and legislation.
May 12, 2030: New York City Announces Gourmet Solution to its Rat Infestation
New York City appointed its first Rat Czar seven years ago, back in 2023, when the city’s rat population had grown out of control.
Most experts at the time agreed that New York’s alarming rat infestation was a result of pandemic policies which forced everyone— including animal control workers— to remain at home for months.
Since then, the Rat Czars’ policies have all focused on fixing the problem by influencing human behavior.
They started with strict controls on trash disposal. Later, the czars introduced cleanliness mandates for private residences, and they empowered the newly-created Rat Department to conduct random inspections of people’s homes.
Violators are subject to fines and Civil Asset Forfeiture, the proceeds of which all go directly to the Rat Department. Last year the Rat Department collected record fines after its controversial “Rat Out Your Neighbor” campaign.
But despite these efforts, the rat infestation has continued to surge, and rats are now a major fixture in the daily lives of nearly every New Yorker. In fact the city government recently announced that NYC has passed a grim milestone— the rat population now exceeds the human population.
Environmental activists, however, saw this as an opportunity to team up with the Rat Department, to help take a bite out of climate change.
Partnering with the World Economic Forum (WEF), the Rat Department will start fighting the infestation by encouraging New Yorkers to consume rat as part of their normal diet. They’ve even designed a new marketing campaign to de-stigmatize the human consumption of rat meat.
The 92-year old head of the WEF, Klaus Schwab, commented, “Elected officials in New York City have been leaders in passing laws to reduce beef consumption, the farming of which is a huge contributor to climate change. Now, if New Yorkers can replace what little beef they do consume with rat, their population will decline, and the earth will heal.”
He then added, “I meant the rat population, of course.”
One ad uses social media influencers to portray rat meat as a chic, luxury food item. Another points out that lobster was also once considered disgusting filth and only fit for prisoners to eat.
The campaign will also include pop-up sidewalk grills throughout the city, where Michelin-rated chefs will encourage New Yorkers to try their gourmet rat-fare.
Swedish Prime Minister Greta Thunberg was among the first to applaud the move, saying, “People got used to the idea of eating bugs. I think they will come around to the idea of eating rats soon enough.”
May 12, 2032: US Treasury Announces First Yuan-Denominated Bond
Ever since last year’s default on the $52 trillion national debt, the US government has been unable to sell bonds and borrow money from international capital markets.
This morning, however, the Treasury Department announced a return to the global financial community with a brand new US government debt security that will be denominated in Chinese yuan.
Credit rating agency S&P Global has already awarded a BBB grade on the US Treasury’s new experimental bond, just enough to be considered “investment grade”.
Meanwhile, China’s Chenxin Credit Rating Group lifted its rating of the US from a CCC- to CCC+.
After completing the native land acknowledgment ceremony at this morning press conference, Treasury Secretary and Presidential candidate Cori Bush was quick to praise the new bond:
“Today, we celebrate a milestone in international finance as we proudly welcome our nation’s first yuan-denominated bond. This is not just a victory for our party— the Democratic Socialists of America. It is a victory for all Americans, in each of the 54 states of our great nation, as our new Yuan bond will enable us to partly ease the capital controls we imposed last year.”
The Secretary further thanked China for its support and approval:
“We’re thrilled that Beijing has given us the green light to sell US debt in their currency, and we’re deeply moved by their generosity in increasing our credit rating.”
The Treasury Department estimates that this yuan bond issuance will raise approximately $2 trillion after adjusting for the exchange rate.
Given this year’s massive Social Security shortfall, desperately needed upgrades to US military equipment, substantial investments required to rehabilitate US infrastructure, and a host of other major spending needs, the Secretary was asked how this $2 trillion would be spent.
She replied succinctly, “On justice.”