In a world full of unimaginable absurdity, we spend a lot of time thinking about the future… and to where all of this insanity leads.
“Future Headline Friday” is our satirical take of where the world is going if it remains on its current path. While our satire may be humorous and exaggerated, rest assured that everything we write is based on actual events, news stories, personalities, and pending legislation.
October 27, 2026: European Countries Will Enforce Different Laws for Different Cultures
With the Israeli-Palestinian War raging on, authorities across Europe have issued new legal guidelines for protesters and counter-protesters, who now clash in the streets on an almost daily basis.
The Parliament of the United Kingdom has passed a series of new laws which clarify that flying the Israeli flag, the Union Jack, or the Flag of England during any public demonstration, including protests or counter-protests related to the war, will constitute hate speech.
Britons have also been warned that police will offer them no protection if they provoke pro-Palestinian demonstrators by flying the prohibited British flags.
Homeowners and businesses situated along popular streets for protests have been warned they could likewise face charges if their flags remain flying when two or more protesters gather within 100 feet of the structure.
The Mayor of London celebrated the decision, saying that the new restrictions will “curtail provocations that often end in violence.”
Conversely, the laws state that flags of Palestine, Hamas, Hezbollah, and Iran will NOT be prohibited from display, as any restriction on those flags might incite civil unrest.
One of the driving forces behind the legislative action was Helen Wanker, a Member of Parliament from the UK’s Green Party, who said this morning, “Our treasured immigrants from Middle Eastern countries are known to highly value their own rights to free speech, and we have an obligation to not provoke their violence.”
Wanker claims she was inspired to help write the new laws after watching prominent universities, like Cambridge, restrict pro-Israel demonstrations, but without placing any restrictions on pro-Hamas demonstrations.
Some 1,100 pro-Israel students across the UK were expelled from their universities for violations of these policies.
Similarly, when Oxford attempted to suspend a student who repeatedly posted violent images celebrating slain Israelis, protesters forced university officials to reverse their decision and allow the student to remain.
Other European countries have taken similar steps to the UK.
After accepting millions of refugees from Palestine and other war torn regions, foreign-born residents in Germany now make up nearly half the population.
German Federal Minister of Justice and Consumer Protection, Frida Ruffian, recently announced, “You can’t ignore the history of colonization of these immigrants. To then expect them to conform to European culture would be a form of re-victimization.”
Therefore, due to the vast cultural differences among immigrants and native Germans, Germany will segregate its legal code and apply different laws based on ethnicity.
For example, it will remain a crime for males of Germanic descent to physically assault their wives and girlfriends.
However, for first and second generation immigrants from certain non-Western countries, blatant physical violence against their wives will be decriminalized and respected as a difference in culture.
The same goes for sexual assault; authorities will now take into consideration what the victim was wearing. After all, with conservative clothing standards in many immigrants’ places of origins, showing hair, ankles, and shoulders could send a confusing message.
Authorities will also consider the background of the alleged perpetrator.
“It’s very clear in the context of European culture that violence and stealing is wrong,” said Ruffian. “But under Shariah Law, for example, it matters very much who is the target of violence or theft. Is it an infidel? That may be perfectly acceptable behavior. And yes, we will be taking Shariah Law into account moving forward with the two separate legal systems.”
Some critics from Germany’s opposition party began to speak up against the new system, calling it a “legal farce” and “the death knell of civilized society.”
Authorities, however, say that insinuating European culture is superior to others is criminal hate speech under Germany’s legal code. Therefore the most prominent critics have already been targeted for arrest and prosecution.
Sweden and Belgium are expected to soon follow Germany’s lead.