Russia’s invasion of Ukraine “could begin at any time” according to an unnamed intern at the US State Department, who made the announcement via an official TikTok video.
The intern stated, “Some guy named Christopher Steele wrote up a dossier saying that Putin would invade Ukraine; he seems credible, so we decided to make the Steele dossier our official policy.”
Underscoring the seriousness of the tensions, Secretary of State Anthony Blinken later Tweeted, “Our nation is now on the brink of war thanks to all of our hard work in engineering a completely artificial crisis. I want to thank the US media for their unwavering dedication to spreading this hysteria. We knew we could count on you!”
Even President Biden expressed extreme pessimism about looming “world war when Americans and Russia start shooting at one another” during an interview with NBC’s Lester Holt.
The President told Holt that any US citizens still in Ukraine should “leave now” (though he did not advise any US citizens in Russia to leave that country, which makes total sense.)
President Biden further indicated that the US would not evacuate any citizen fleeing Ukraine once war breaks out.
“We did such a spectacular job leaving our citizens and allies behind in Afghanistan last year,” he said, “and it would be shame to mess up that track record.”
Biden then clarified that he would consider other options, like allowing people trying to escape Ukraine to cling to the sides of US military aircraft.
Despite all the talk of war, however, the most important official in the US government– Anthony Fauci– insists that there will be no conflict.
Early this morning, right after his weekly call with Nancy Pelosi in which the two exchange stock tips, Dr. Fauci explained his position to reporters:
“We all know I’m in charge of everything in this country. That’s what the science says. And I simply will not allow the President to declare war.”
“Russian troops aren’t vaccinated, at least not with a compound that generates profit for Pfizer or Moderna. So it’s possible Russian soldiers could spread the virus to our triple-vaccinated US troops during hand-to-hand combat. Clearly the risk of Covid infection is the only thing to be concerned about in this situation, so I cannot allow this super-spreader event to take place.”
When asked by a reporter if there were any circumstances under which he would permit the President to go to war, Fauci responded,
“Well there are a few, I suppose. If Putin promised that his troops would be double-masked—I mean, it’s common sense– then yes, I’d allow the war to take place.”
“And then of course, there’s the unthinkable scenario in which Putin seizes the stockpile of Pfizer and Moderna vaccines that we gave to Ukraine. Then it would be f**king Armageddon.”
