Earlier today, Canada’s premier Justin Trudeau made a shocking revelation that he no longer identifies as Prime Minister, and has instead chosen to live his life openly as a James Bond movie villain.
After verifying that not a single reporter in attendance was capable of asking a difficult question, Trudeau opened the press conference by explaining, “As the son of a politician, it was always expected that I would follow in my father Fidel Castro’s footsteps, and rise to the highest office in the land.”
“But over time I’ve come to the conclusion that this just isn’t who I am inside.”
“I mean, Prime Ministers and Heads of State are supposed to follow the law. And we all know that I clearly have no regard for that.”
“I tried being Prime Minister for a while, and just handling the normal affairs of government and having cabinet meetings and all that. But I always felt that there was something missing, that I wasn’t being true to myself.”
“Then suddenly I got my first taste when I started imposing insane COVID restrictions, telling Canadians what they have to wear, whether they can work or leave the house, whether their kids can go to school. That was when something inside of me awakened.”
“Later when I started imposing vaccine mandates in the most absurd situations, I really started to question my identity– was there any rational, legal or scientific basis in anything I was doing anymore? Or was I simply abusing my supreme emergency authority for my personal amusement?”
“By the time I started arresting people for possession of gasoline canisters, seizing control of the banking system, and telling everyone that they’re evil racists, it became obvious that I was living a lie.”
“But it finally took until yesterday, after I had the Royal Mounted Police trample all over that old lady in the streets, that I knew I had to summon the courage to come out and be honest about who I really am.”
“And that’s why, starting today, I have chosen to live openly as my true identity– a James Bond supervillain… someone who has no regard for the law, deliberately destroys people’s lives, and only cares about his own power.”
“By the way I’m not talking about the Daniel Craig-era villains– the realistic guys who are actually kind of intimidating. I’m talking about the cartoonish Sean Connery / Roger Moore villains, the ones who are ridiculous, over the top megalomaniacs but can’t be taken seriously. I prefer Goldfinger.”
“I mean, after all I’m basically a 50-year old man child with no backbone or integrity who faked a COVID infection just so I wouldn’t have to talk to the truckers. So nobody should take me seriously, even though I intend to illegally impose my will on Canadians and dominate this nation forever, purely for my own amusement.”
When asked by reporters about his immediate plans, Trudeau indicated that he was working hard to finish construction of his “secret underground lair” and that he would vacate the official Prime Minister residence as soon as it is completed.
In closing the press conference, an emotional Trudeau expressed hurt over all the recent memes comparing him to Adolf Hitler.
“Seeing those memes has been really painful and taken a big toll on my mental health. And obviously my personal mental health should be everyone’s top priority right now.”
“I’ve expressed very clearly that I do not identify as Hitler– I identify as a James Bond supervillain. So anyone that continues with these Hitler memes is deliberately mis-meming me… which is a form of violence. And I’m the only one who is allowed to be violent.”