In a world full of unimaginable absurdity, we spend a lot of time thinking about the future… and to where all of this insanity leads.
“Future Headline Friday” is our satirical take of where the world is going if it remains on its current path. While our satire may be humorous and exaggerated, rest assured that everything we write is based on actual events, news stories, personalities, and pending legislation.
November 3, 2024: The Democratic National Committee’s Official Guide to Doublethink
OFFICIAL GUIDANCE FROM THE OFFICE OF THE CHAIR-HUMAN:
We, the Democratic National Committee, recognize that, in just a few days’ time, Americans will vote in the most important election of our lives… which is something we tell them every four years.
We also recognize that in order to maximize our chances of taking over the country, it is imperative that we quell internal dissent and present a unified front on the most divisive issues of our time.
For example, there has been intense infighting within our party over the past 13 months about whether to #StandWithIsrael or to #FreePalestine.
We all know that our diversity is our strength. However, that axiom obviously doesn’t apply to intellectual diversity.
Therefore, we, the Democratic National Committee, have taken it upon ourselves to establish a formal policy on the Israel/Palestine conflict, as well as other potentially divisive issues.
And we expect everyone in the party to adhere to this doctrine lest we open rifts that will be exploited by the enemies of progress.
Our solution to this ideological conflict of #StandWithIsrael versus #FreePalestine is based on an innovative new concept we call doublethink.
Doublethink means holding two contradictory beliefs in your mind simultaneously and wholeheartedly believing both of them.
We have no doubt the members of our party will excel at this intellectual framework given that so many of us have spent years holding contradictory views.
Our most progressive members, for example, simultaneously believe in the feminist movement to empower women and dismantle the toxic male-dominanted heterodoxy. Yet we also believe that men can be pregnant, and that biological males should should compete in women’s sports.
The natural extension of this doublethink is to believe that Hamas deserves to wipe the Jewish state off the face of the earth. But simultaneously to believe that Israel deserves to exist in its current form.
We suggest party members use the hashtag #doublethink to express their support for both Israel and Palestine, and to resist the temptation to disagree with other members of our party.
Instead, try saying, “Truth is relative. We are both right, and everyone who can’t understand that is obviously racist.”
It’s critical to remember, however, that truth is NOT relative when dealing with the enemies of progress in the other party.
Conservatives will often attempt to use logic and reason to disarm our positions.
For example, when the groups “Gays for Palestine” and “LGBT Allies to Islam” march for their oppressed brothers and sisters, some bigots ask our brave activists why they don’t visit or live in Muslim countries— which is very offensive and does not deserve an answer.
We do, however, advise our LGBTQ+ members to refrain from voicing strong support for LGBTQ+ causes when in the company of Muslims. But this is only because gays rank lower than Muslims on the Intersectionality Index and therefore should listen and not speak.
(This, of course, applies primarily to cis-white male homosexuals. To understand who you are allowed to shout down, and to whom you must quietly defer, see the Intersectionality Index in appendix A, which includes a graphic explaining your rank based on the number of oppressed identities you hold.)
Lastly, enemies of progress will say that our doublethink solution is illogical. But if anyone says this to you, you should scream in their face as loudly as possible that being “right” or “logical” is rooted in the toxic capitalist racist patriarchy.
And don’t forget to label all of your anti-doublethink opponents as White Supremacists… even when they’re not white.