In a world full of unimaginable absurdity, we spend a lot of time thinking about the future… and to where all of this insanity leads.
“Future Headline Friday” is our satirical take of where the world is going if it remains on its current path. While our satire may be humorous and exaggerated, rest assured that everything we write is based on actual events, news stories, personalities, and pending legislation.
October 13, 2024: Hamas Surrenders to US Military’s “Operation Glitterbomb”
After more than a year of fighting since the Hamas attack of October 2023, the world awoke to joyous news today. The terrorists have thrown down their weapons and surrendered to the US military due to the unexpected and profound success of the Pentagon’s bold initiative: “Operation Glitterbomb”.
In a speech this morning that was live-streamed to the nation, President Biden said proudly, “A lot of people criticized me and said I made the military weaker. Well, I might have slashed our Special Forces. But we just created the most special force of all with Operation Glitterbomb.”
The President then turned to his left and appeared to high-five someone who wasn’t there, then wandered off into the Rose Garden as concerned aides rushed after him.
The military initiative that the President was referring to, codenamed “Operation Glitter Bomb,” was the brainchild of Rear-Admiral Marina Del-Rave, who believed that a combination of sequins, sassy dance numbers, and empowering ballads could be the key to breaking down barriers and achieving peace in the Middle East.
The Admiral’s strategy was to convert Hamas terrorists into peace-loving progressives by winning them over with America’s favorite form of entertainment: drag shows.
For most of the last year, the Defense Department had been secretly working on a specialized ‘Pride’ float dubbed “The Trojan”.
Fitted with the loudest speakers and brightest lights on the planet, The Trojan was then shipped off to the Middle East for duty where it was anchored near Hamas military bases in Gaza.
Once in place, The Trojan unleashed nonstop drag-themed entertainment, complete with elaborate costumes, choreographed dance routines, and lip-sync battles.
Del-Rave believed that blasting American culture into Gaza, 24/7, would “win them over to the fun camp of the US! After all, who wants to fight when you could dance?”
The Admiral turned out to be right— Hamas surrendered to Trojan. But perhaps not for the reason she expected.
After watching a dance routine nicknamed ‘the Gaza Strip’, one masked Hamas gunman declared, “This is torture. This is a violation of our human rights. It’s like force feeding us pork.”
Some fighters reportedly begged to be water-boarded rather than continue watching more drag shows. “We were prepared for bullets and bombs,” lamented one captured fighter. “But nothing could have prepared us for the sheer force of ‘I Will Survive’ sung in nine -inch heels over and over again.”
Hamas leaders saw no other option but to surrender in order to avoid further psychological destruction.
When asked about her operation’s resounding success, Adm. Del-Rave said,
“Everyone was outraged last year when the Navy began using a drag queen as the face of our recruiting efforts. Now you know it was part of a secret plan to rebuild our military strength. Well, watch out China! Watch out Russia! America’s adversaries will now think twice before risking the wrath of our diversity and inclusion.”