In a world full of unimaginable absurdity, we spend a lot of time thinking about the future… and to where all of this insanity leads.
“Future Headline Friday” is our satirical take of where the world is going if it remains on its current path. While our satire may be humorous and exaggerated, rest assured that everything we write is based on actual events, news stories, personalities, and pending legislation.
July 14, 2027: White House Prepares to Block Out the Sun
It has been four years since President Biden announced the “possible deployment” of Solar Radiation Modification back in 2023.
Solar Radiation Modification (SRM) is a way to partially block out the sun by flooding the earth’s atmosphere with special particles which reflect the sun’s rays, and therefore mitigate global warming.
The Biden administration approved funding to create the SRM in early 2024; and after more than three years of development, the system is now ready.
The 2023 White House report did state that “Gaps remain in our understanding of how SRM deployments might irreversibly alter the Earth’s climate system.”
However Acting President Kamala Harris says that she now understands everything she needs to know about deploying sun-blocking particles.
“We have to be thinking about what we think about, when we are thinking about the sun, and we think about the heat of the sun,” she recently explained. “That heat gets where it needs to go, and right now that’s the Earth. And that’s why global warming. It’s that basic.”
One reporter asked whether blocking out the sun would damage crop yields and agriculture, acting President Harris snapped back that cows are a major contributor to global warming, and their eradication through the SRM would force better dietary choices.
When asked whether blocking out the sun would reduce the electricity generated by solar panels, the acting President dismissed this concern as well.
“I need you to just trust the science,” she laughed. “There are some very smart people working on this who have told us, whatever happens when we block out the sun, doing nothing would be worse.”
With President Biden still comatose, acting-President Harris has full authority to launch the SRM, and she plans on doing so early next month.